Laramie

The Laramie Project is different than many other pieces of literature I have read. Part of its potency is the fact that it is a true story. It is difficult to imagine such a thing actually happening to a person. Though I am from Pennsylvania, I felt as though I could relate to Laramie, or at least the way that it was being portrayed. I am from a rural area and went to school in a small town full of conservative people. My own family is conservative, and I was raised to hold many conservative values. In a college setting, being conservative isn’t particularly popular. Many people, especially those who have had primarily liberal influences in their lives, bring a lot of assumptions to the table; conservatives are racist, sexist, uneducated, backwards, and intolerant. It can be frustrating if these characteristics are assumed of you, and it can be difficult to not feel defensive. I think that because of this experience, I had very mixed feelings about some of the interviews that were portrayed. On the one hand, it is often true that many people who live in rural areas have less exposure to diversity. People generally feel uncomfortable with things that are unfamiliar to them; this is human nature. That is not to excuse prejudice or discrimination by any means, but there is a difference between excusing and empathizing. I believe that you can condemn a belief or a behavior without condemning a person. When watching these interviews and hearing an old white woman proclaim that her town is “live-and-let-live,” it is easy to “call bullshit” on that remark and talk about privilege and ignorance. And I think that it is important that we recognize the implications of that phrase that was repeated over and over, because as one character said, live-and-let-live really means don’t tell me and I wont beat you. It is the same principle as don’t-ask-don’t-tell. And this is not an acceptable norm. But I also believe that saying this does not mean that this woman is a bad person. Perhaps she does not have an ideal perspective on dealing with people who are different than her. But I think that it is important for us to acknowledge our own privilege in having enough exposure and education to be able to analyze that this is a problematic statement.

Wild Geese

Last week, I went to the library to do some research. I left with an absurd number of books, enough that I had to call my boyfriend to come pick me up because I couldn't carry them home. Most of them were about art, artists and design–Antony Gormely, Eva Hesse, Louise Bougouise, South American Folk Pottery, African Basketry, and other books of that nature. But when I was wandering around the stacks of the library, I took a detour and picked up a poetry book.

Last summer, I was struggling with a lot of anxiety. I have a friend that I would talk to about it, and she was going through some similar stuff. She read this poem to me, and I was enraptured with it. It made me feel more calm and at ease.

Towards the end of the summer, both of us had to go back to school. One morning, we were supposed to meet to work out, but she showed up hours late. When she finally got to my house, she had a very large brown book with her. She told me that she wanted to show me what it was, so we both went to my room and sat down on my bed to get some privacy from everyone else in my house. When she opened it up and began flipping the pages and talking, I started getting choked up. She had written out poems and quotes o the pages that she thought might help me when I was feeling like things were getting bad. There were drawings and photos of things that I liked. It was all so beautifully handmade. And one of the pages was fully dedicated to that poem, Wild Geese by Mary Oliver.

I have been feeling kind of lost and stressed out lately, and I’ve been coming back to that poem. As I was wandering through the library, it occurred to me that there was probably a book of her poems somewhere. Sure enough, I found a nice thick purple one. I haven’t had a chance to read all of it, but I have read a few and they’re wonderful. And I keep reading Wild Geese.

The Sectet Space

As I got up the last stair–or ladder rung, more like, these stairs are so step–I was surprised to see another girl sitting in my space. I shouldn’t have been; I know that everyone else knows about the attic space. Lots of people go up there, but it’s one of those places that when you are there feels secret, like you are the only person who has discovered this hiding place. I felt annoyed, because I was going there to be alone. She was infringing upon my privacy. Then I realized that I was infringing on her privacy, but it would have been too awkward to leave. I had my sketchbook and pencil case in my hands, giving away my intentions. Do you mind if I stay up here? I asked. No, I’m just working on my homework. I knew she minded, but I stayed anyway. It was hot up there, and I started feeling drowsy. I could see people walking around the studio, working or talking or whatever they were doing, and I was glad to have escaped the noise. I settled into the chaise that was up there for no apparent reason, probably used for figure drawing models decades ago. I knew my professor had no reason to venture up here, though I couldn’t help feeling slightly uneasy that I was going to be caught. It was a work day, but I was still supposed to be in class actually working. I tried to decompress, get rid of my feeling of overwhelmed-ness. I closed my eyes and tried to forget I wasn’t alone, trying to brainstorm what I was going to talk about during my next class. I had to have a plan of what my next project was going to be, but I felt directionless. My classes have lost most of their structure and are open to whatever I want to do. This sounds great and liberating and free, to make whatever you want. But what if you don’t have a plan? That freedom becomes a bit overwhelming. It is directionless, and there is only so long you can spend in the studio attic. 

Navigating Personal Writing

Over the past few weeks, I have been trying to write an artist statement. This has turned out to be really difficult. I have realized that writing truthfully about my own experiences, thoughts, and art is challenging in ways that I did not expect.  I found this to be true for my passion literacy narrative as well. I generally think of myself as a capable writer, and I thought that both of these tasks would be relatively easy. In the last four years that I have spent in college, I have done a lot of writing, but most of it has been research and analysis based, not personal. Any sort of personal exploration or explanation that I have done for school has been verbal, and there hasn’t been that much of it. For both my narrative essay and my artist statement, one of the things that I was realizing was that I did not totally understand what I wanted to say because it was something that I was trying to figure out myself. Having these writing assignments has forced me to analyze my studio practice and motivations for making in more depth than I was doing on my own. While it was difficult and I think that my writings were just a starting paint for me, I think that taking on this task helped me to start identifying patterns, and this is something that is really useful to me. In the class for which I am writing the artist statement, we are also doing an exercise where we interview each other and then write an artist statement for another person based on their interview. Though I was skeptical at first, this ended up being very helpful to me. When I was being interviewed, the words flowed more easily because I was not trying to make them sound right and I want over-thinking it. I think that I learned a lot from this artist statement that was written about me, and I am hoping that I can synthesize that, my narrative, and my old statement together to begin creating a better statement to work off of. I think that I need to start doing more personal writing so that I flows more easily, as this ability will be important to me down the line to benefit my career. I also want to be able to write about my work in a compelling way, both for professional and personal reasons.