Don't Be a Slut

I grew up with a lot of male influence in my life. I have three brothers, my mom had five, and most of them had sons. From a young age, I was surrounded by boys all of the time. When people find out I have three brothers, they often make comments as though they are sorry for me, that it must have been hard growing up like that with no sisters. And I never understood this. I love my brothers, and we get along great. I did not understand why everybody assumed that gender was one of the defining characteristics of a good sibling relationship. Now that I’m older, I can see that if I had a sister, perhaps we could connect in ways where there are barriers with my brothers. They surely have aspects of their relationships with each other that I am not a part of. While we might work out in the garage together once in a while, we aren’t gym buddies. And when I want to go shopping, I usually go with my mom or a friend instead of them. But these are activity preferences. We all act pretty similarly, and I generally don’t think about it in gendered terms. And I think that for the most part, my parents treated my brothers and I equally. I think that my mother, however had a more conservative upbringing than my father, and I think that a lot of gender-specific principles were ingrained in her. My mom was (and still is) my foremost teacher and role model in my life. There were gender roles that seemed inherent to her that I did not really understand, and I think that she was sometimes shocked by my behavior. I grew to distain the word “ladylike” because it seemed synonymous with oppression and reprimand. I think these reasons are why Jamaica Kincaid’s poem “Girl” resonates with me. I thought it was a moving depiction of the kinds of lessons that a girl learns from her mother, lessons about how to navigate the world. And one of the repeated lessons was to not be a slut. I think that this sentiment is relatable to a lot of girls, but it was very much present in my own upbringing. In my house, we did not talk about sex, and my understanding of sexuality was limited for a long time. I could not understand why I was not behaving like a proper lady; I especially didn’t understand why some “unladylike” behaviors were okay and others weren’t. I was taught to stand up for myself; don’t be weak. But don’t lay on the couch with your legs spread apart, even in pants, because it’s not a ladylike position. It’s ok to wear a bathing suit, but a short skirt is for sluts. I think that most of my inappropriate behaviors were deemed such because they did make for a proper representation of what conservative female sexuality should look like. Like Kincaid’s mother, these things were passed along in an attempt to make sure I would succeed in society; as she put it, to be someone who the baker would let touch the bread. Most of what my mother taught me has been empowering, and all of it has been meant to help me. I hope, however, that in the future, mothers will no longer feel the need to teach their daughters that one of the most important qualities for success in the world is to not be a slut.